I don’t think anything could have prepared us for the news that Iz didn’t have a bum and that she needed surgery. I can’t really describe how I felt in that moment. I was off my face on pethidine, which was probably a blessing. I had been awake for over 24 hours and had just given birth to a tiny human 26 days early, without pain relief. The Dr. refused to acknowledge that I was in active labour, but reluctantly agreed to administer the pethidine. By the time it kicked in, Iz was already in my arms, almost born while whizzing along the corridor to the delivery room. That Dr. was a muppet, but thankfully the midwife listened to me when I said my body was pushing and checked, because amazingly, I was right. I did get a couple of puffs on the trusty gas and air before she came out, and held on to it for as long as they’d allow because that shizz is good.

As it turns out, being off my face on the pethidine when I got the news wasn’t such a bad thing. I just remember looking at my husband, going to cry, and then just not. The consultant wasn’t bringing her back to me, we could go and see her in NICU, and they were looking for a bed in another hospital for her surgery. Survival mode kicked in, and I got my butt up, got dressed as quickly as I could, and was taken to NICU to see my girl. I think back to that moment often. We had 45 minutes with Iz, snuggling before paediatrics came to take her, promising they’d bring her back. The next time I got to hold her was just before her surgery.

In NICU at the hospital she was born at, we felt like we were in the way. They handed me a photo and took me to a ward. I had to walk past all the Mums with their babies, and it stung to not have mine. They put me in a back room, and I fell in and out of consciousness. They discharged me after showing me how to inject myself with medicine, and I was taken up to NICU to travel with Iz. I nearly collapsed, I was not at all well after the birth. I made the decision not to travel with Iz, feeling like I failed her. My husband collected me and took me home, I wasn’t staying there without her. I slept fitfully in my bed, not in a good way at all. He followed Iz up to the hospital so she wasn’t alone. My Dad drove me up to the hospital the following lunchtime to be there before her surgery and for that cuddle.