It’s been a while since my last update, so I wanted to share the latest on Iz’s journey. Lately, it feels like we’ve been in a bit of a waiting game. We’re currently in the midst of weaning, which has been an exciting adventure! Iz is sitting up, scooting around on her back and tummy, and, on top of it all, we’re navigating the infamous 7-month sleep regression—let’s just say it’s challenging for us parents!

On a more positive note, the weaning process is going surprisingly well! After some initial hurdles, Iz is starting to enjoy a variety of flavors, which is such a relief. For anyone starting on the colostomy journey, it does mean some significant changes in bag contents—thicker, greener, and certainly more aromatic! Emptying the bag is an adventure in itself. I was initially concerned that the changed consistency might be more acidic and lead to skin irritation, so we switched the bag daily for a couple of days. Thankfully, it turns out that the adjustment wasn’t a big issue after all. Before we started weaning, we experienced a minor skin flare-up around the stoma, so I was particularly cautious (as I usually am). We’ve been applying a ring of calamine around the stoma, allowing it to dry, and using stoma powder on any sore spots. I’m pleased to report that there has been no difference before or after weaning!

On a more personal note, I’ve been navigating some emotional ups and downs over the past few weeks. My milk supply has been diminishing since we received our first operation date for the reversal. Since I’m solely expressing (Iz decided early on that bottle feeding was her preference), this has been a challenging journey for me. I promised myself that I would get Iz through all her operations with my milk, but I’m finding it mentally exhausting on top of everything else. Each time we approach an operation date, the stress seems to send my supply plummeting, and boosting it back up feels insurmountable.

I’ve come to the difficult decision to wind down my expressing journey, and this is weighing heavily on me for many reasons. First, I feel like I’m breaking that promise to Iz, and second, at 40 years old, I know this is my last time having a baby and my last chance to experience that unique bond of breastfeeding—albeit in a different way. It’s a complex mix of emotions because, in an alternate universe where everything is “normal” with Iz, I likely would have switched to formula when she preferred bottles, and I wouldn’t feel the same level of guilt.

However, the stakes feel higher for Iz. I keep telling myself that with everything she’s going through, the least I can do is overcome my own challenges to provide her with this nourishment. The reality is, it’s getting me down, and I dread each time I sit down to express milk. The more stressed I become, the more I need to do it to maintain my supply. My hands are raw from washing all the pump parts, and with my determination to keep everything germ-free for her surgery, its an added layer of pressure that I’m struggling to handle.

I’ve faced mastitis three times throughout this journey, and due to Iz’s early arrival, I’ve been on antibiotics four times since giving birth. Something has to change. Right now, I’ve managed to reduce my expressing to three times a day, but I’m only getting enough for two portions. On the bright side, I’ve managed to save just over 20 portions of frozen milk, which brings me some comfort. I can still have those precious bottles ready for her next operation, ensuring she can maintain some familiarity with my milk alongside the formula she’s been supplementing with from day one. But I can’t help but feel anxious for that operation date to arrive soon. While I’m apprehensive about what’s to come, I need that saved up milk to last and I also feel like life is on pause until the operation and our new “normal” thereafter. One major silver lining for me is that I won’t have to express on the ward again—with all the challenges that came with that. It may seem like a small detail, but it’s something I found quite stressful.